The F Word

FOURTH

With this year of learning more about our country, where we have been and where we still need to go, happy Independence Day to all. Hope you were able to spend it with family, and enjoyed a day of celebration and fireworks!

FERTILE

Thank you god for continuously blessing me. Excited for this new life and role and adventure. Honored.

FOOLISH

When I tell you that your dog just threw up, and you close the door instead of coming down to help clean it up…

FAIR

The one time in my life when I should be able to relax and get spoiled…

It amazes me how I am expected to do this and that and that. And that too! While everyone else remains the same.

As long as I don’t say anything, everything is fine. I am told to ask for help, but then when I do, it is a problem. People either react with a debate or ignore or complain to others that they were asked to step up.

Sorry I want our home to be cleaned. Sorry our dogs need baths because they cannot bathe themselves, and I have always done it so no one else ever had to do it. Sorry cooking equals dishes and trash. Sorry the dogs are trained in a routine and you may have to help. Sorry I give the dog his meds and brush him and walk and feed him daily and take him out every afternoon.

Sorry I feel honored to take care of you, but the idea of taking care of me is a stressor for you. Sorry my daily life has already changed and I still deliver and provide, but you feel your life is about to change and you will miss out on life.

Sorry I made sure your 40th - and every birthday - was celebrated, but there is no space to take lead or think about making up my 40th since you were sick. Sorry I have allowed so much to happen, and that I remain independent. Sorry no one has ever made me feel and believe I could just relax and not worry because they would take care of everything.

Sorry the idea of taking care of me, is not something of interest to you.

FESTER

Empty promises. Priorities and preferences made clear. I should not hold it in, but when I share, no one hears.

Amazing how we are exhausted, but the reasons are vastly different. Daily affirmations and prayers to stand strong and remind myself of my significance.

FORGIVENESS

The bible says forgive as God has forgiven us. I am willing to do the work, if the person can hold themselves accountable. If they deny or redirect blame, it is hard for me to forgive, because they do not regret nor acknowledge the hurt or damage caused.

On the flip side, holding on to that energy does not help me in the end. I just find a way to let them or it go, so I can walk in my own splendor versus having this anchor that could hold me back. Or down.

FEEL

Music is so therapeutic and healing. As I sit here listening to Jill Scott on shuffle in my iPad, song after song I find myself smiling. Vibing. Body is responding with joy and tingles, like it is saying “yesssss.”

One of her lyrics just said, “I’m tired of being strong all day.” Amen. When can I rest? Having to be, expected to be so much to so many, when can I be weak? When is it my turn to be taken care of? Gotta take care of myself, because I have to prioritize me when no one else will.

And now she’s singing she’s blessed. Me too, Jill, me too. I have got me, and God, always.

FABULOUS

I have so many emotions after today’s events. Will post tomorrow. Had to take a moment to say hell yeah!

FAITH

The test…it is real. My response is immediate tears, and it takes some breathing and processing to finally say to myself, God has got me. I am in his favor, and he has never let me down.

Things happen exactly when they should, and I have to remember that. He has never let me down or left me. I am safe, loved and supported.